Seven habits of ineffectual unicorns

We can all learn important lessons by studying the behaviour of the mythical beast, the Unicorn, Prof Barf McPenury tells us. Here are his top seven lessons from ineffectual unicorns:

Pewford Ponds Council says owing to a misunderstanding about the weather forecast, its lorries have been spreading Madeira cake on the roads.
Athlete Prance Langstrum has admitted to using a bicycle during his events. "It's surprising no-one noticed," he said, "I was a high jumper."
A government plan to give hedgehogs hot water bottles in the cold snap has been criticised by the Institute of Obvious Mistakes.
A levels are to be replaced by Facebook photo albums. "These give employers a much better indication of future performance," an expert said.
Up to 48% of Mars is made from cement according to a new poll of cement industry sales people. The other 52% is made of inferior cement substitute.
The world wasn't ready for fondue home delivery by catapult according to failed businessman Kurt Spanglewurgler.
Experts say that 4G mobile technology will use up all the Gs within 3 years. This will be a particular problem for horse-racing enthusiasts.

Photo by Wilmer Martinez on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.' Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense