Skip to main content


What you missed



Ten important news stories you may have missed. Our round-up of all the information that is vital to know: 

  1. World leaders meeting in Doha have agreed that, in future, there will be a climate. Whether that climate will be habitable is yet to be agree.  
  2. Detectives in Denmark have discovered their crime clear-up rate is entirely unrelated to patterns on their jumpers.
  3. A man in Bumbling Fatstumble has bought 14 plate glass windows. He misunderstood the term 'window shopping'.  
  4. By 494 to 6, the International Athletics Board has rejected proposals to rename marathons as Snickers. 
  5. The US is to ban children and teachers from schools. That way the only people in there will be crazed gunmen, simplifying law enforcement.  
  6. Owing to inclement weather, the English Channel is flooded all the way across, P&O Ferries has announced. 
  7. 2013 has been cancelled, South Erst Trains has announced. Customers wishing to travel should seek an alternative year. 1492 was good.  
  8. Stationery supplies are running low at South Erst Trains after a team of surrealists was asked to guest edit the timetables. 
  9. David Bowie has admitted he has known whether or not there is life on Mars since 1972 but he still refuses to say.  
  10. The Bishop of Quaint has come out angrily against same socks marriage. 'It goes against the laws of stretch fabric,' he says. 
Photo by Ron Jake Roque on Unsplash

Popular posts from this blog

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains.  Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash
Read more

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge.   Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash
Read more

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip
Read more