Skip to main content


Badgers take Fray Bentos


Badgers have seized control of the south Atlantic island of Fray Bentos chanting the slogan pies in tins is wrong.

According to our badger affairs correspondent Freya Buntos, badgers have for some time been frustrated by their inability to get at tinned foodstuffs.  

This frustration has spilt over into coup d'etat in Fray Bentos, she reports. The island is uninhabited except for a canning factory and a small bar for workers. It is unclear how the badgers travelled to the island. It is thought that some of them may have come from as far as Catford Sidings.  

It is thought the coup was triggered when badger plans to develop a tin opener failed after international inspectors shut down their laboratories. It is believed the badgers developed a twiddly cog thing but couldn't perfect the cutting circle thing in their bid for tin-opener technology.  

International rules prevent the proliferation of tin-opening devices, currently restricting tinned food to just one species. Some believe squirrels have already secretly created tin-opening devices but because they live in communities closed to outsiders, information is scarce.   

Bats have had tin openers for years but cannot operate them with their tiny fingers. Also carrying tinned food such as Fray Bentos pies make them unstable in flight.



Popular posts from this blog

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains.  Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.' Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.  Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash