All cheese Friday: live blog II

All the cheese that's fit to eat:

17:59 Genetic scientists have created a mouse with its own built-in umbrella and called it the mozzarella.

17:02 Cheese is to be banned in the Houses of Parliament because some MPs don't appear to be able to use it responsibly.

16:24 Faluma Peatbog of Prump Wideriver has had a corned beef sandwich every day since 1941 but today she had cheese in honour of All Cheese Friday.

16:16 Tom Asparagus of Quinine Tasteby tells us he is celebrating All Cheese Friday by painting fondue on to his neighbour's geese.

15:44 Mrs Tharg of Spun tells us she has made cheese scones on the engine of a 1953 Austin A30. They taste a bit oily though.

15:38 Cheese supplies in Delia Smith's house are running extremely low because of world reaction to All Cheese Friday.

15:21 The US Republican primaries have been thrown into disarray as Monterey Jack enters the race and splits the cheese vote.

15:09 French cheese farmers are predicting a bumper harvest this year because the air is unusually light. The light air in France is thought to be caused by heavy hearts in Panderspoon Blackberry where cheese is banned.

14:49 Lloyds Bank has made a £3.5bn loss because it spend all its money on Dolce Latte. The directors are disappointed but full.

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense