IJN used deceit editor reveals

The written evidence of Horse McTumbles, editor of IJN, to the judicial inquiry into press intrusion has been leaked by several plumbers.

In his evidence, due to be given to the inquiry next week, Mr McTumbles admits to using deceitful and underhand methods in obtaining celebrity stories.

We sometimes copy our stories out from the newspapers, said Mr McTumbles, and when those are no good, we make things up. Readers may be surprised to learn, for example, that when we said Hugh Grant was an actor, we were blatantly lying.

The story about Sienna Miller and the frogspawn was also untrue, he went on, although it achieved the best audience figures we have ever seen.

We would like to apologise unreservedly to Mr Grant, Ms Miller and the 4268 other celebrities affected by our subterfuges. We hope and pray that their lives have not been ruined too badly.

Resorts send snow to skiers

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Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

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