Children: mobile phone health warning

A series of tests conducted by the International Institute of Nonsense at its secret underground laboratories was designed to assess the potential health threats which the use of mobile phones may present to children. The results of those tests are presented here.

While our scientists could find no absolute proof that mobile phones are dangerous, they did isolate five distinct cases where their use could present a health hazard. These findings have been sent to the government and we await their response. The five cases are:

If the phone is bashed repeatedly against a child’s forehead.

If the phone is accidentally connected to a high voltage supply such as the third rail of a railway network.

If the phone is heated to 5000C and then dropped in the bath.

If the phone is strapped to the front of a large commercial vehicle and driven at high speed towards a children’s playground.

If the phone is accidentally coated in butter and left lying outside a school.

We are outraged that the government has not taken action in these areas to prevent unnecessary deaths, said Chief Scientist Prof Tess Tetube. Our experts have proposed that by encasing all mobile phones in lead and dropping them deep into the ocean, no little children need to suffer any more.

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New International Journal of Nonsense